One of my main goals in life is to raise my children NOT to be assholes. I know, that sounds pretty weak, and I should probably set my sights higher. I figure I have to start somewhere though, and on days when I’m feeling really frustrated with everyone – LIKE TODAY – I’d be happy with the bare minimum.
It’s hard to tell sometimes if I am succeeding. They trick me. Sometimes they do things that are really sweet and nice, and then two seconds later, I think I’ve spawned the sons and daughter of Charlie Sheen, like when did we sleep together? As if.
Anyway, I made a test to find out if they are or are not assholes. It is pretty simple. There is only one question. They should be able to handle it. If they answer the right way, then I’ll know that I haven’t completely failed as a parent, and it will make me feel marginally better.
If you saw a kitten huddled near an abandoned truck in a very scary industrial part of town where there were NO houses for miles, would you…
- Pick it up gently, cradle it in your arms and say, “It’s OK, little one. I’ll take good care of you.” After which, you’d bring it home, and you’d either keep it and raise it like it was your very own child, or you’d find a loving owner for it – someone like David Suzuki, Jane Goodall, or Ian Somerhalder. Of course, it goes without saying that the day after finding it, you’d take it directly to the vet to get it a clean bill of health. Or would you…
- Spit on the ground beside it and say, ” Life sucks, don’t it?” And then keep right on walking, probably off to harass a few prostitutes and/or light a few random fires.
If you answered b) (or worse) you are going straight to hell. Plus, you have terrible grammar. You can no longer be my child.
OK, so this is what happened. I sent the test to my kids via Facebook. Two minutes later, I got a message from my almost 20-year-old son that said, “If you are trying to find out if I’ve had sex, I have. Get over it. I wouldn’t be mad if you bought me a pack of condoms either. You don’t want to be a grandma just yet, do you?”
As for the other two, I remembered that my daughter and I aren’t even friends on Facebook. She blocked me. Hence, I must’ve sent the test to someone else. Probably my aunt.
And my oldest son? Well, he has a big show this week. He is busy losing his bloody mind somewhere in the basement.
I still haven’t gotten my answer to that asshole question yet have I? Therefore, I’ll do with this what I do with everything else – I’ll answer it myself. The answer is most definitely a). At least, I know that I am NOT an asshole.
Now, don’t bother me. I’m putting my head down on the table. It’s been one hell of a long day.
For a real personality test, check out the Meyers-Briggs Type Indicator Assessment. Without a doubt I am an ENFJ (otherwise known as “The Giver”) – which means my main interest in life is giving love, support, and a good time to other people. Wow, my children have me pegged, and no one even had to tell them.