The Medium-Sized List Of Firsts: Life Partially Explained

In life, everything happens for the first time only once. That’s what makes it a “first time”. Here is a list of the more important items, each with a brief explanation…

You are born – It’s only going to get more complicated from here.

First word – Forget things like “mama”, “dada”, or the ever-popular “no”. Go for something exotic like “defenestrate”. You’ll sound smarter. BTW, it means to throw a thing or a person out a window.

First taste of real food – It’ll probably be something like mushed-up banana. Don’t worry, things like brownies and homemade lasagna will come later.

First steps – It may take you a few tries to get going, and you’ll probably stumble and smash your head on the coffee table at some point, but don”t give up, it DOES get easier.

First tooth – You’ll probably slobber and cry about your aching gums for weeks before it arrives – with no other way of conveying just how much agony you are actually in – but suck it up. You can’t stop it. Besides, you’ll need this tooth for later so you don’t end up looking like this guy…

First play date – If you are lucky, one of your parents or your babysitter will take you somewhere so that you can socialize with other small, dirty, whiny, “gimme it’s mine” rapscallions. You will undoubtedly be forced to colour, play fake musical instruments, and bang blocks with small hammers. Enjoy it while you can. It’s probably going to be the most fun you’ll have for the next eighty to ninety years.

First day at school – Prepare to cry and hold onto your mother’s leg. You won’t want to let go. It won’t matter though, because your teacher will drag you down the hall by the arm anyway as that sweet “mama” of yours jumps into her car and speeds away. Once she’s gone, you will be forced to sit in a circle with about twenty-five other kids your age, singing songs, playing silly games, and eating “snack”. Eventually, you’ll surrender.

First time tying your own shoes – Use the “bunny hole” rhyme. It may sound creepy, but it works. It goes like this – “Bunny ears, bunny ears, playing by a tree. Criss-crossed the tree, trying to catch me. Bunny ears, Bunny ears, jumped into the hole, popped out the other side, beautiful and bold.”  When you are older, you’ll laugh about how stupid you sounded.

First time making your own lunch – Peanut butter or ketchup on bread, how hard can that be?

First “A” on a test – if you want this to happen, you will actually have to study for it. Praying won’t do you a damn bit of good. God wants you to be responsible.

First celebrity crush – We all have one, just please don’t let it be Jim Morrison. He’s dead. It would be such a waste of brain space.

First dance – Hands on hips/shoulders, robot around in circles, and try to ignore the fact that your partner smells like body odour. You probably do too. You’ll both learn to clean yourselves better as you move through those awkward teenage years.

First kiss – This will likely be very mechanical and sterile. You may bump heads, and you could even bump teeth. Either one would be horrifyingly embarrassing for someone your age.

First day of high school – You are going to be nervous, but relax, you’ll be fine. With a bit of luck, none of the grade twelves will dump anything on you in the cafeteria at lunch, or pull down your pants in the hall when you’re not looking.

First “real” kiss – Hopefully, you won’t be drunk for this one. Enjoy the tenderness and the full-on lip and tongue contact. Use your hands to explore your partner’s body – feeling someone up is all part of the experience – but remember to stay on the outside of their clothing or risk getting a huge slap in the face, or a knee to the groin, or both. This only applies if you are a guy kissing a girl. If you are a girl kissing a guy, do whatever you want. Guys usually take whatever they can get, even if it makes them man-whores.

First job – Be prepared for bad money and shitty hours. Almost 100% guaranteed that you’ll be slaving over a grill somewhere for minimum wage, working evenings and weekends. If your dad knows someone however, you MAY get a cushy job cutting the grass at a golf course.

First time having sex – Like your first kiss, this will probably be very sterile, not at all like a Blake Lively sex scene. In/out, in/out, in/out – it won’t last long, and you’ll be wondering what all the fuss is about.

First orgasm – THIS is what all the fuss is about. Guys seek it over almost anything. Girls use it to get what they want. It makes life bearable.

First love – This could happen early or late in life. It’s hard to say. Some people never find it. Others become addicted to it. You’ll know it’s happened when you willingly move in with someone who has five Rottweilers and you are deathly allergic to dogs. Reactine should help.

First day of college/university – Remember one thing: anything lower than 50% will get you kicked out of school and sent back home. Think about this in a month from now when you are shitfaced for the thirtieth day in a row, and you haven’t gone to class yet.

First time failing an exam – Is anyone surprised?

First trip to Jamaica – As you can see by the picture below, you buy a really “douchey” bathing suit because that’s what you figure people wear down there. Boy, are you wrong.

First car – There’s a 99.99 % chance that it WON’T be a BMW. You’ll be lucky if it doesn’t light on fire within a year or two of you buying it. Envision a green Ford Pinto. It won’t get much better than that.

First time getting married – It’ll be sweet. Stressful yes, but still sweet. You’ll want it to be a huge celebration with all your friends and family so you can declare your love for your partner – whom you plan to be with for the rest of your life – in front of the entire world. Yeah, that “being together for the rest of your life” part may or may not transpire. You have a 50% chance of making it. You’ve been warned. For second, or subsequent weddings, just do it at the Justice of the Peace, and wear something from Mark’s Work Warehouse. That way you can reuse the clothes, and you’ll have saved enough money to spend later on separate vacations when you and your spouse can’t stand each other’s guts anymore. Be advised: you can hate someone’s guts one day, and not hate their guts the next.

First time giving birth – This won’t be easy. It’ll be worse than your worst nightmare. Unless you are in that 1% of people who claim to feel no pain – and they are either inhuman or liars – you’ll think you are going to die. Don’t worry, you’ll (probably) survive. And after, you can forget about getting a good night’s sleep for the next fifty years or so. Bon Jovi gets it right – “You can sleep when you’re dead.” You won’t have much choice. Subsequent births won’t get any easier either. In fact, they usually happen faster, and the babies are often bigger and harder to expel.

First time being a parent – Again, this won’t be easy. It’ll be worse than your worst nightmare. You’ll be tired and cranky most of the time. It’ll involve a lot of barf and poop, in the beginning anyway. As the years go by, you’ll become more and more bitter about your relationship. When will there be time for just you? Sure, there is some joy in being a parent, but it’s sort of like a needle in a haystack, or an honest politician. It exists, it’s just hard to find sometimes a lot of the time. When you do find it though, it’s like a bloody miracle.

First time being cheated on – You’ll be angry and extremely hurt when you discover this. Hopefully, it won’t involve your sister or brother.

First time your partner sleeps on the couch – Don’t go sucking up to them, trying to get them to come back to bed. Let it happen. He probably deserved it.

First time getting a divorce – If you fail at marriage, it’s OK. There are things called “step families” these days. You CAN get a replacement life. They are usually pretty dysfunctional, but hey, what isn’t?

First time getting a mammogram or having your prostate checked – Never ever fun, but well worth it. Just have a couple of beers or a bottle of wine before you go in, and it might be somewhat enjoyable. Don’t flirt with the doctor or technician though. They wouldn’t be able to respond. It goes against their code of ethics.

First grandchild – So much better than your own kid. You can enjoy the hell out of them, feed them Popsicles with red dye, and then send them whirling back home.

First heart attack – This will happen earlier if you eat a lot of red meat and ice cream, if you chain smoke, and if you never exercise. What you do is up to you. Depends on how you want to live. Do you want to have fun, or do you want to prolong the strict regimentation?

Death – It’s over, and there’s no going back. Someone may want to keep your ashes, or visit your grave once a year. The guys at the cemetery will surely drive over your plot with a lawnmower every two weeks or so. Unless you are someone like Sylvia Browne, this “death” thing will only happen to you once, so make the most out of life while you can.