This is the non-rhyming, progressively dissimilar, adult child version of the classic Christmas poem.
As the title implies…
‘Twas the night before the night before the night before Christmas,
(Meaning it was Sunday night, like last night – Christmas is on Wednesday, you figure it out).
When all through the house, not a creature was stirring
Except for the odd pair of cats tear-assing down the hall
Which is typically what they do when everything is quiet.
The stockings were somewhere laying around,
And nobody really cared about Santa
Because they’d learned long ago that he doesn’t exist.
My husband was nestled all snug in his bed,
Visions of cars and computer gadgetry and what unnecessary item he was going to buy at Future Shop’s boxing day sale
Dancing around in his brain.
The kids were out celebrating the holidays
As young adults are sometimes want to do,
And I was expecting a few extra party-goers to end up on my couch downstairs.
It’s fine with me as long as no one barfs multiple times on the Berber.
As if I need that.
The cats do it enough already.
So I was at home, but I couldn’t sleep.
I blame that on peri-menopause, and the fact that I’m a worrier.
God knows what kind of trouble three young people can get into downtown.
One “Hey, watch where you’re going,”
Can turn into a stabbing (or worse, a shootout) these days.
And yeah, I know I exaggerate, but you can’t tell me it’s never happened.
Anyway, as I said, the house was relatively quiet,
When all of a sudden – from somewhere outside, perhaps near the garage – I heard a loud clatter.
Was it one of my kids home earlier than two? Not bloody likely.
Or was it a burglar entering my house at his leisure because
One of my kids has given our garage code to the wrong friend,
And now Johnny the deviant is coming for a visit?
Tightening my housecoat because – according to my husband – nobody wants to see my ugly old gramma nightie,
I went and peaked out the front window.
I knew in a moment that it was just the neighbour hauling in something from his car.
No excitement there, though I did hear him shout
(And remember, it was like midnight),
“Jesus Vera, why is it always me doing all the goddamn work?”
To which Vera answered, “Stuff a sock in it, Hank.”
Once that charming encounter was over,
I went back to the kitchen and sat down at my computer again.
Might as well creep some people on Facebook for a while, I figured.
It was too late to read a book.
My brain was beyond functioning at the “I have to put out effort and try to comprehend things” level,
I just needed to vegetate and let the world come at me in as an annoying and unimportant way as possible.
Facebook obliged.
Two seconds later, the cats were at it again, running around and accidentally knocking over a lamp,
Waking up my husband in the process who hollered from the distant cave of our bedroom,
“I have to fucking work tomorrow.”
Yes, sometimes cats DO sound like reindeer taking off.
If my husband could put them on top of the porch and tell them to “dash away”, he probably would.
“Quiet up there!” I yelled back. Nobody likes a complainer.
As expected, the kids arrived home around 2:30 a.m.
Surprisingly, everyone was in good spirits.
Nobody was completely obliterated – and by that I mean really super-duper drunk.
My car was in tact,
Which is important, because I have to go to the grocery store one more time before the “big day”,
To stock up on milk, and eggs, and all the other stuff that people inhale within seconds around here.
That’s how it is at our house, especially before Christmas.
Now get me some Mistletoe and a Scandinavian hunk in a pair of red and green boxers.
I could use a jump start.
Also, I made up that part about my neighbours.
They would never talk to each other that way.
That’s mainly our family.
Their names aren’t Hank and Vera either.
The end.
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