Cats are better than cars, because sometimes cars run over people. Cats just sit on your lap. Even if they DID walk over you, it wouldn’t hurt.
Cats are better than grapes, because sometimes grapes gets stuck in your throat. A cat could never get stuck in your throat. They are too big.
Cats are better than trees, because trees just stand there. Sure they deliver precious oxygen to our environment, but cats are entertaining, at least. They run around, and some even play fetch. Plus, some can even be trained to go to the washroom on the toilet. Let’s see a Ponderosa Pine do that.
Cats are better than brownies and ice cream, because brownies and ice cream make you fat. Cats just make you happy.
Cats are better than lawnmowers, because lawnmowers can cut your toes off if you are not careful. The worst a cat could do is scratch you in the face, and that would probably be your fault.
Cats are better than the space station, because the space station is super far away. Cats are anywhere you want them to be, and even in some places you DON’T, like on top of the stove.
Cats are better than video games, because video games tend to be violent and mind-usurping. Cats actually make you smarter – they are challenging like that.
Cats are better than my rear end, because my rear end has some cellulite on it, and it isn’t as firm as it used to be. Cats are covered in fur, and you can’t see their cellulite, if they have any, which they probably don’t. They are just beautiful, majestic creatures who should be revered by all. Except for my friend Carla, who doesn’t like cats. I’ll forgive her – she likes dogs, which is better than nothing.
Cats are better than Pluto, because Pluto isn’t even a real planet – it’s a “dwarf planet”. Cats are cats no matter what.
Cats are better than the show The Bachelor, because on The Bachelor, no one is guaranteed to find love. If you have a cat, I can GUARANTEE that you will find hair on most of your clothes, especially the black ones.
Cats are better than Kentucky Fried Chicken, because Kentucky Fried Chicken will give you a heart attack. Cats will sometimes bring you dead rodents and birds as gifts, but that’s just gross. You won’t be dead.
Cats are better than the Olympics, because the Olympics only happen once every two years, alternating between the winter and the summer games. If you own a cat, it will likely ALWAYS be there, controlling you, making you talk to it in baby voices, and coercing you to give up the best chair in the house for it to sit on. They are like little four-legged cult leaders, and you – YOU will inevitably become their devoted follower. That’s just the way cats work.
Cats are better than microwaves, because microwaves – though they heat up food really fast – also emit radiation. Cats just purr, and it’s actually soothing.
Cats are better than than high-heeled shoes, because even though high-heeled shoes make your legs look longer, they will eventually wreck your feet. Cats will curl up ON your feet and keep them warm. They are like living slippers.
Cats are better than the movie G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra because even though Channing Tatum was pretty cute in it, the movie was fairly moronic
. Cats are not moronic at all . They are the ninth smartest creature on the planet.
Cats are better than Charlie Sheen because what isn’t?
Cats are definitely better than Facebook, because Facebook, if used improperly – like if someone posts naked pictures of you kissing a stripper – can get you into a whole lot of trouble with your girlfriend. A lot of girls actually LIKE cats, and if you have one, you will be considered a much better catch.
Cats are even better than sex, because although sex gives you pleasure, it also makes you sweat. There is no sweating involved in owning a cat, except when you go to the vet and they give you the bill. It doesn’t matter though. The pleasure derived from owning a cat far outweighs ANY drawbacks.
And finally, cats give meaning to life, which is really, what we are all looking for in the end. “In order to keep a true perspective of one’s importance, everyone should have a dog that will worship him and a cat that will ignore him” – Derek Bruce.
One thought on “Why Cats Are Better Than Everything Else In The Universe”
I don’t trust anyone who doesn’t like cats (or dogs). How can anyone not love animals? And I agree, cats are better than sex sweat. But sometimes cars run over cats and that’s sad.
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